OK, so sometimes I’m a little slow.

I’ve been trying to figure out how I can be of service to God, and be at my spiritual best, while simultaneously working full-time, keeping house, buying groceries, etc. As I feel myself turning into more and more of a mystic – not on the aforementioned mountaintop, but smack dab in the middle of a major city – I’ve been confounded by the seeming conflict.

Just now it hit me, blinded me with it’s brightness (thank you, angels). It’s not a conflict. In fact, it’s kind of the point.

Now is the time for ALL of us to move forward, for ALL of us to stand up and… look inward. To see who we really are, in all our divine perfection.

And first – we’ve got to look past all the distractions we have created for ourselves – cell phone, TV, internet – AND that report that’s due, that PTA meeting, etc., etc., all those many things that we value that really have nothing to do with anything.

We hardly ever look at each other. Not really. And so we’re missing out on what’s really important. Each other.

Here’s the thing – the only way we can all cross the threshold that we’re zooming up to right now is TO DO IT TOGETHER. Helping each other, sharing the little tidbits that we figure out along the way. Listening to each other, and talking to each other. Hugging each other.

Sooooo… the whole mountaintop thing is counter-productive right now. Those that did it before us, they paved the way. They found the silence and the beauty and the wonder, and they showed us the way, left guideposts. Jesus and Buddha and Mohamed and so many others – they did it the hard way. They found their way to their souls, and thus truly experienced the Divine, ON THEIR OWN, with no other human beings to guide them. Yes, each had teachers, certainly each had Divine support – but the last part of the path was new for humans. They each blazed a path, marking it along the way so others could follow, teaching and sharing what they learned. And we are still learning from them, following their paths. But we don’t have to go it alone as they did. In fact, we are supposed to help each other. When one slips and falls, another must help him up, brush him off, and hold his hand while both continue the journey.

So of course. One path before me. Yes, it’s time to simplify things some more, to continue to pare down to what’s important. But there is no conflict, unless I insist on complicating things. (Doh!)

I just need to keep moving forward. One step at a time.

Love and light,


Braiding the silence

Lately, every time I reach for peace, for my “happy place”, whether I am riding the bus or settling down to (try) to meditate, the moment I close my eyes, I see the same image, from the same perspective – of my hands, braiding. I can’t see the materials, or the colors, or any surrounding context. Just my hands, holding the threads.

It’s a very peaceful image. Do I know what it means? No, not exactly. I don’t even know whether it comes from my own mind, or is a message from the Divine. But there it is. And I know that it is… an answer. A key.

At first I thought that it was my creative side, begging to be let out. Telling me to knit, crochet, make jewelry – SOMEthing. And although that is  part of the message (my creativity is, shall we say, hogtied – all trussed up, and nowhere to go!), I know that this is only a piece of it.

Maybe… ok, this could be a little too tidy – but maybe I need to braid together the loose threads of my life. Reconcile them, instead of always holding each one separate.

Three threads. Mind, Body, Spirit? Hmmmm.

I’ve been struck in the last couple of days by my changed relationship to silence. During my year and a half sojourn in Sedona, sometimes working, sometimes not, this relationship changed dramatically. When I first arrived, I was half-crazed by the need for silence – on every level. I didn’t want to hear TVs, radios, cars, or even voices, and my mind and heart were clamorly even louder than the hubbub, the sound and fury, of modern life. After three months of sitting on my couch, looking out the window at the red rocks, walking on the paths, feeling and hearing the breeze, the ravens, the yipping coyotes and the crisp, tinging sparkle of the stars’ reflections on moonlit snow, I could finally hear silence. And it was beautiful.

Over time, I could hear the Voice in that silence, in the breeze, in the voice of the raven. Even, eventually, in the recesses of my heart, hidden under all the baggage and forgotten wrappers and dust. I knew the Voice – I have always heard it in the wind in the trees – but now I heard it more. I dwelled in the Silence for longer and longer periods of time, seeking and listening for that Voice.

But the day came when it was time to come down from the mountains, back into the World. Although my mind (or at least the left side of it) was well aware of the need, my heart and that other, less practical part of my mind, fought it. Struggled, kicking and screaming, through the practicalities of getting a job, packing, moving. Starting yet another new life.

And here I am, nearly 10 months later. Looking at my changed relationship to silence. On Saturdays, and more often than not, Sundays, I want silence. On Saturday morning, I don’t even want my (adult) daughter to chat with me, even cheerful chatter about her week, not because I don’t want to hear it – but because I don’t want to talk. To be demanded to express an opinion, render advice, or even to be attentive. Sometimes it is almost physically painful to try.

A day or two of rest “fixes” it for a while. For the first time in a couple of years, I am watching TV shows, reading fiction, watching movies regularly… checking out and leaving my life at the door. Filling my mind with noise so I don’t hear the silence.

My life isn’t bad. Many people would be happy to have my life. So what’s the deal?

I know that I chafe at my perception that I am not doing my “real” work – healing work, helping others – choosing instead to have a regular job, pay the rent, buy groceries, and so forth. I know that this is almost certainly a misperception. (It’s easier to live a full, spiritual life sitting on a mountain or living in a monastery, temple, etc., than it is when you live and work in the so-called “real world”. See my previous post.) I know that I often make life a little better for the people around me, and they they make mine better.

But… I still feel like I am not living as “me”, whoever that is. This is a pretty schizophrenic way to live. Especially since I didn’t live the life I fantasize about when I had the chance!

So… braiding. Weaving the threads into a unified whole. Loving, revering, and taking care of all of myself , every part, and braiding all of the parts together. Meditating and making love, counseling a troubled soul and troubleshooting a software issue, eating organic salads and juicy burgers – they all have their place, and none are bad. I just need to braid them together.

Something to work on. Or… relax and let happen.

Love and light,

Real life vs. spirituality

This is what I wrestle with almost every day of my life – how do I reconcile the overwhelming pull I feel to be here and now, to pray and meditate, to heal and to counsel, and also to make things (which is somehow part of my spiritual practice) with the simple need to, well, eat and have a roof over my head?

It’s a whole lot easier to shine your light, to be calm, serene, in the now, etc., etc., when you are sitting on a mountaintop and/or living a monastic life. But what about out here in the “real” world?

Yeah, I know – it’s the other way around. This physical life of ours truly isn’t what is “real”. When I do catch my breath, center, pray, and listen, I can clearly see that. I know that what we are experiencing from one day to the next is a classroom of sorts, where everything helps us learn and grow, if we so choose. I’m deeply grateful that I can see that now, that more and more of the time, I know it.

But yet… I still worry about money sometimes, even that I know that this is counterproductive, that focusing on the negative creates more negativity. I still occasionally get annoyed with the actions of others, and frequently get annoyed with myself. (This post is Exhibit A on the latter!) Still try to plan things into the future, fighting the overwhelming evidence in my life that it works much better to take life one step at a time, without expectations – which makes it all so much more peaceful, with more opportunities for joy, and fewer for disappointment.

That’s it, really – I need to let go of my ideas of how things are supposed to work, and let God/the universe show me the path that does work. One step at a time. I need to remember that whenever I act out of love, in whatever form, be it giving a listening ear or simply smiling at a stranger, that I am doing exactly what it is right for me to do in that moment. That this is an instant of being right here, and right now. And that is what counts.

So… I just need to breathe, and be present.

Just thinking out loud…

Love and light,